Suet, Hong Kong, April 2007
For me, co-dependency is the lost of myself in a relationship and
the failure to see and respect my husband as he is. Before I attended
these workshops, the interaction between my husband and I was tense and
dramatic. I expected him to respond to my needs in the way I wanted and
would be very frustrated when he failed to do so.
My frustration would then lead to a chain of hurtful reactions between
the two of us.
Essential Relating workshops help me to find "myself". Through various kinds of
exercise and meditation, I become more in touch with my emotions and am
more aware of my own fears and holes. In other words, I begin to connect
with my "wounded inner child" and realize how this inner child is taking
the driver's seat and ruining my marriage. With this awareness, I can
then slow down in reacting and remain centered even when my needs are
not fulfilled. As a result, I have more space to really see my husband
and to respect him as he is.
Jonathan, Hong Kong, July 2007
In my almost 20 years of marriage, I have been encountering
different kinds of difficulties at different times in my relationship
with my wife. Therefore, I had tried different methods to improve my
communication skill with her. However, the situation did not improve
that much. Only until last year, I have the chance to know
Essential Relating Work.
Attending these workshops has allowed me to improve my
self-understanding and self-acceptance. The direction towards recovery
is clearer to me.
I learnt the dynamics of co-dependency and furthermore, through the
interactions and sharing with other group members and the teachers, I
learnt more about myself and my behaviours.
I would like to express my sincere gratitude to Amana and Bhakta for
their dedication, love, patience and compassion. They are a perfect
complementary work partner and soul companion to each other.
Anna, Taiwan, May 2007
I came to Essential Relating Work because of my husbandís affair. Itís
a painful experience and difficult to speak about for most women. For a
half year I was suffering in the feelings of betrayal, anger, losing
self-value and losing trust. I was luckier than other women because I
looked for help resources.
In the Co-dep. workshop, I saw the big anger in me for the first time.
But I wasnít able to express it. The anger stuck in my throat. No matter
how hard I tried I just couldnít put it out. In those few days, all the
participants showed their most fragile parts. Only then I realized
whatís inside every one is the same. Behind layers of masks is the
vulnerable heart, which is afraid of not being loved and not being
validated. Because of fear of being hurt we cover up the real and
delicate heart with anger and all kinds of defensive strategies.
What surprised me was that my husband changed his altitude towards me.
He didnít get angry so much anymore and showed respect to me. He started
wondering why instead of fighting, arguing with him and crying everyday,
I began to understand and support him from his standpoint.
While I was going through the various stages of Co-dependency process,
deeper and deeper, the relationship between my husband and I has had an
even obvious difference. I guess heís touched by me. I used to have a
hot temper, was not willing to lose and fail and was asking to be
treated fairly, but because of that I had a hard life as well. I thought
happiness and blessedness would only come by oneís efforts and requests.
But life itself proves to me that what I thought in the past is
completely wrong. So I am learning to receive, to bring easiness to my
life, to surrender to the bigger force of life, the Existence itself. My
love to my husband was conditional. Now my love is enlarged. Iíve
regained the trust and courage of life so I can accept everything life
brings to me and trust that I am safe.
Giving up is the easiest way, but by giving up one would lose the
opportunity for learning. Be aware of the problem, go into it, go
through it, only then one can gain the true wisdom of life.
Leela, Taiwan, May 2007
I had been married to my husband for more than twenty years. This
April or May (2006) I proposed we divorce. Actually this idea had been
in me for years but I had no courage to put it out, although love in
this relationship was no more. When I thought about living by myself and
facing the aloneness, all the fear and uncertainty rushed out. So even
words for divorce came to my mouth was swallowed again.
Even though I had been married for twenty-some years, Iíve been puzzled
about what love is and what a real intimate relationship looks like. So
while proposing for divorce, I participated in the Co-dependency
workshop looking to get clear with myself.
In the Co-dep., I got in contact with my inner little girl for the first
time. That little girl is often disappointed, scared and hurt. Because
she expects the love of parents so much that sheís willing to give up
her own innocence and give up her own position to meet parentsí needs
and their expectations. I was also doing the same in the relationship
with my husband, continually losing myself, losing my voice and
Itís a long journey of learning to take care of the needs of the little
girl, to accept all her good and bad emotions. In this process I slowly
realized: love is never outside, never in someone else. Acceptance is
love itself and accompanying oneself is love itself. This understanding
went on cultivating and transforming while I was taking care of the
inner child. One day I found there is a clear and stable quality of the
adult in me!
In the past I always tried to meet othersí needs, I neglected myself
until I couldnít give anymore. While taking care of the inner child,
gradually I was able to be aware of my inner feelings, get close to
myself and able to distinguish when I want and when I donít want. Iíve
found I had more strength and assertion when I interacted with others. I
started being capable to respond to many things in the outside world.
This strength got clearer when I was negotiating the divorce with my
husband. I realized divorce was what I truly want. Even though there was
no love between us since five, six years ago, I had no capacity and
courage to make this risky decision. Right now I am different, I have
strength to be myself, I am ready to face my own aloneness!
During my change, Iíve seen my connection with him went into a deeper
level. When I can take more care of my inner child I can give more
support to the otherís inner child, the same wounded inner child.
Although weíve divorced, and by supporting each otherís inner child,
there is a new and different quality of relationship happening.